I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
