I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Randomize
