Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
