I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize