i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
