She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
