mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
