i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
