I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
My feet surprised me
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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