remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
being pregnant is like rehab
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize