My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
