Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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