Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
as a side note pls kill me
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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