??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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