i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
