barbara walters just said penis...
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
