I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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