i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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