I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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