I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
