Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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