So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
