the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
