True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
where are you?
Hypothermia
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
