I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
