I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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