Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
