you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i drank out of a bidet.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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