he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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