we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Randomize
