You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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