my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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