She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
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