Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
