fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
