Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
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