Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
it's like iHOP with fire
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
