she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
This toilet bowl is my home.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
