I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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