Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Four minutes until I can fart!
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I love you. Go after that dick
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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