broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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