Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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