this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Michael Bay diarrhea
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
