So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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