he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i barfeds in our rink
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
