I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
