I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
