i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
