dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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