Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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