put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
