I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
