I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize