i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
