if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
