I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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