Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
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