She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
