I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
