i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
her facebook's as public as her vagina
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Let's paint friendship bongs
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
