is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
